Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability.
Aaaactually, that's
the sound of about 1 million WoW players screaming in orgasm and "wooting" around their living room and screaming "NOOB!" at their cat until their throats go raw. (The other 6 million are screaming in Chinese because they'll get a fraction of a cent raise from their gold farming jobs when the title hits the big screen.)
I doubt the cat cares. It'll just hide under the couch until the retardicane ebbs, lick it self clean of dust bunnies and then throw up mouse parts in their shoe. But me?
I care.
I care a LOT. Why?
Because now I have to hear about it from every WoW fan who writes me and tells me that I didn't give it a fair review, that I am an SOE fan boy, and if EverQuest II is soooo great, where is *their* soon-to-be-blockbuster movie? To its community Warcraft getting a movie is the cherry on top of the heavily iced cupcake that is the ruling MMO.
Well then. Allow me to point out that nobody puts frigging cherries on cupcakes and lets get down to the good stuff shall we?
The
Warcraft movie is going to be a shining beacon of awesomeness in a sea mediocre movies and boring sci-fi? I don't THINK so. Five little words to snap you out of your little victory dance there Pwnie Pwnerton;
"The Dungeons and Dragons Movie"
Oh, that's right. I went there.
Do you even REMEMBER the Dungeons and Dragons movie? No, better yet - do you remember the hype *before* the Dungeons and Dragons movie? Geeks everywhere tittering with excitement and they rapidly change their underpants only to soil them in anticipation once again. This was going to be OUR movie. *OUR* time, our vindication to the world that we the geek were not only COOL, but what we LOVED was cool and for the FIRST time the rest of the world would see that!
And what did we get?
An oatmeal rug trap, a crying dwarf, and a dead Wayans Brother. (Okay, admittedly some good came from the movie.) And that was Dungeons and Dragons. That was the pinnacle of our existence and the mold in which all of our MMO worlds were cut.
And you think that World of Warcraft stands a CHANCE at being good? AHAHAHAHAHAHA.
"But we have AMAZING lore, story lines and creatures you jealous n00b!" Some of you more rabid WoW fans might be thinking. And I agree. You do. This isn't a WoW bashing column. I liked WoW, I play WoW, and I think that the game has merit. However, I also think that most of you are blinded by that "7 million players" number and can't see the truth past your own "leetness".
Do you REALLY think that Hollywood cares about your game or its plots? Do you REALLY think that you are going to get the movie that you deserve and the movie that
represents the game that you love? Oh my poor naive WoW players, C'mere. Uncle Coyote will give you a hug.
Feel better? Good. Now it's time for cold hard truth.
Hollywood doesn't care about you, your game, your suggestions, or your movie being good. Hollywood cares about MONEY and that's it. Bottom line baby.
Your plot is going to be twisted and watered down so that "the rest of the world" and people who have never played WoW can "relate" to it. This includes comic relief side kicks, over simplification of normal things and a "hook" or a "catch" that will get people talking and maybe sell some T-Shirts.
I'm the Juggernaut bitch, and I'm not done.
NEXT will be your actors. WoW has a HUGE fan base and will rip up the box office on release as a million level 70 Paladins in Legendary gear beg their mothers to drive them to the theater and give them some extra cash for snowcaps. Because of *this*, you are going to have to expect some big names to be tagged onto your movie to ensure exposure.
Sounds great right?
WRONG!
Hope you enjoy 90 minutes of Tom Cruise the Paladin, Keanu Reeves as
the plucky, yet often confused Cleric, and special guest star James Earl Jones as "Tinkers the Gnome", because THAT is what yer in for baby.
Crappy plot, over-rated actors getting lead roles..hmm...what aaarreee we missing?
BOOBIES!!!!
Sexy Night Elf dances, big chest human chicks and the sex and debauchery you've always seen in game will NOT be making it into the movie.
Hehe. Sorry. Couldn't resist. Why you ask? Because this movie is going to have to appeal to *EVERYONE* which means a PG-13 rating at the highest. See, you're going to WANT the "kid" factor in this, so you'll
have cute characters, comic relief, adorable sidekicks and anything else with huge Bambi eyes that will sell plush figures and lunchboxes for $19.99 plus tax.
That is what you can expect from your Warcraft movie, so maybe you should dance a little quieter, make a little less noise and play down how great your game is, and maybe - just maybe, you'll get lucky and they'll leave it alone. Not out of my jealousy for your game "finally making it", but out of actual concern.
How do you know I'm sincere? Well...(*sighs)...the Dragonlance Animated Movie is going to be coming out in September.
And as much as I, like you for your WoW movie, will go and see it... my butt is already puckering and sucking sour patch kids off of the seat next to me.
And if I even THINK I hear a Wayans Brother?
I'm out.
-Coyote
(Quick note - you'll
see a new "link" on the links field. It's a "contact Coyote" link for those of you who need to grab my attention by e-mail, or need a place to sent the lawsuits and restraining orders.) Average: 0On August 12th, 2007 snegl (not verified) says:
Article Source: www.tentonhammer.com.
